Delayed Reaction

I broke down today.

I was driving to IKEA, of all places (to pick up the last piece to finish the living room updates), and tears just started flowing.

I've been trying to play it cool. Trying to act like I'm ok. Like… it was just another little bump in the road, a road that has and will always have so many bumps.

But, I just can't get over the timing of it.

Finally. After literally years, I started opening up to you in a way I've been wanting to. I keep saying I want to be vulnerable to you, and I do. And finally, I was. I told you that I had been missing you, even though I had just seen you two days before.

Did I say as much in that conversation as you did? No, I didn't. I know I didn't. But, I said a lot. And it was hard.

I've been trained for more than half of my life to not express any kind of emotion at all. Not just the negative ones ("you're being too bitchy"). But the positive ones, as well ("ugh, why are you so cheesy?"). So I've learned to be flat.

I don't know whether this would be a surprise to you or not, but holding in the positive ones has been worlds harder than holding in the negative ones. I am full of love. Full of love for you, yes, but just full of love in general. Just as I think you are. And I want to express that love. And I've been told for more than two decades that I cannot.

So it was hard. Not just out of fear, but out of defeating… that. Is there more I wanted to say to you? Yes. Absolutely. I want to tell you so very much. But it's hard. Just squeaking out that I'd been missing you was so hard.

And you seemed so receptive to it. Your response, when finally you made one (and I'm certain that is the longest I have ever waited for you to respond to something I've said…), was to say that we should spend more time together. I started thinking immediately of how else I could open up to you. How else I could start telling you how I felt, on top of just trying to show you, as I'd been doing. Looking for opportunities to do so. Planning things I might say, things I might do.

But then…

Of course you're allowed to enjoy your time with your spouse. I'm not a monster who would deny you that.

But to put it so vividly out there. Where you knew I would see it. Just two days after I finally started opening up to you…

It hurt. It hurt a lot. I'm only just starting to truly realize how much it hurt.

And you've been so sweet since then. The times we've talked, you've been so pleasant, maybe even a little more pleasant than usual. And so I think you know… I think you have some idea.

But is being just a tad more perky than your usual perky self really enough?

I can't ever know why you posted what you did when you did, not unless we suddenly just jump the line and open up to each other completely. There are enough possibilities that I'm willing to cut you some slack. And have done so. And will continue to do so. And of course, time heals all wounds. It will heal this one, too.

But right now, in this moment, I am hurting, badly.

And now I'm just wondering if just holding it all in isn't what I should be doing, after all.

Silently Yours,
♒️